Making Positive Self-Affirmations

Sometimes the ability to talk about our skills or talents can feel a bit contrived or awkward if one is not used to seeing things from a strengths-based perspective.  To illustrate this point, I had the opportunity to survey self-affirmations from 2 distinct sets of individuals: one was a group of Latina adolescent girls, most of whom were living at the poverty level, the other was a class of my graduate students from San José State University, not impoverished but definitely not privileged.  I first asked each person to name one achievement or accomplishment of which they were proud.  Although the Latinas had the most difficult time recognizing any sense of accomplishment in themselves (some even became belligerent with the exercise), the graduate students were not really much better. In fact, some of the individuals needed to recruit a friend in order to provide a response for them.  I then asked each individual to name one strength or talent of the person sitting next to them.  Not only was everyone able to make a positive affirmation about someone else, but they could go on listing multiple areas of strength. 

It would be a mistake to say that the individuals I queried suffered from low self-esteem or had been berated by their parents while growing up.  It would also be a mistake to generalize the Latina response solely from the standpoint of a cultural emphasis on collectivism versus individualism.  Most cultures identify their children by desired characteristics or abilities, not negative ones.  Even birth names convey talents or future success.  What we understand about our brains is that they are wired to attend more to discrepancies, errors, and differences than to what comes automatic or has become habit.  In other words, we naturally react more to what we cannot do than to what we have already mastered.  This is part of survival as humans, moving our development forward through continuous trial and error learning.  This also forms the basis of natural discrimination evident in young children that can quickly get out of control if we don't take time to learn about and encounter others who are different than ourselves.

In helping children develop positive self-identities, parents and other adults need to provide an accurate mirror from which one's image is formed.  Positive "mirroring" does not mean hiding blemishes, but rather putting the entire person (their strengths, talents, development, and needs) into perspective.  Our children already know that we are "supposed to love them" unconditionally, so they expect us to go easy on them.  Oftentimes they don't believe us just because of that fact.  Some children are naturally more self-critical; that is, their brains sniff out flaws at a higher rate.  Parents can help by listing the child's strengths, talents, emerging abilities, and needs.  This creates a visual of one's abilities and can open up a supportive discussion on how others may perceive them.  The same can be done for a child who over-estimates their abilities.

In either case, creating a safe, nurturing environment for your child helps them embrace a healthy mirror to support their self-image, while teaching them to fairly appraise themselves without negative self-affirmations.

DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

You've often heard the phrase, "Children are resilient."  This usually comes from observing how youth survive under some of the most horrendous, catastrophic of conditions.  Some of these conditions can be environmental, such as earthquakes, loss of parents, and even physical disease.  Some of these conditions can be hereditary, such as addictive traits, mental health disorders, and learning disabilities.  Yet some of the most debilitating conditions derive from damaged human relationships involving neglect and abuse, severe depression in parents, and exploitation by adults.

While it is true that most children will survive their childhood and adolescence to go on to live meaningful adult lives, we should not take the strength of the human organism for granted.  The entire field of study devoted to protective factors, those supports and opportunities that buffer the effect of adversity and enable development to proceed (Werner, 2001), began several decades ago with observations and surveys of individuals and families over time.  You may have heard of studies looking at people's temperament, style of relating, or even introversion vs. extroversion.  This entire evolution of thought has led us to where we now are with the identification of 40 developmental assets for Early Childhood, Grades K through 3rd, Middle Childhood, and Adolescence, those positive experiences and qualities that help influence choices young people make and help them become caring, responsible, successful adults (Search Institute, 2011).

In a nutshell, protective factors include the following elements along the three life domains of Family, School, and Community --

• Caring & Support: empathy & nurturance towards the child from significant adults;
• High Expectations: positive belief by adults that the child will be successful;, and,
• Opportunities for Participation / Contribution: providing the child a valued place of belonging, inclusion, and personal responsibility.

The benefits from these resilience elements result in the following personal strengths ( Bernard, 2004) --

• Social Competence: responsiveness, communication, empathy, caring, compassion, altruism, and forgiveness.
• Problem-Solving: planning, flexibility, resourcefulness, critical thinking, and insight.
• Autonomy:  positive identity, initiative, self-efficacy, mastery, adaptive distancing, resistance, self-awareness, mindfulness, and humor.
• Sense of Purpose: goal direction, achievement motivation, educational aspirations, special interest, creativity, imagination, optimism, hope, faith, spirituality, and sense of meaning.

Over the next few blogs, I will be exploring each of these elements and highlighting certain ones which are often facilitated through the course of counseling and parenting support.