Making Positive Self-Affirmations

Sometimes the ability to talk about our skills or talents can feel a bit contrived or awkward if one is not used to seeing things from a strengths-based perspective.  To illustrate this point, I had the opportunity to survey self-affirmations from 2 distinct sets of individuals: one was a group of Latina adolescent girls, most of whom were living at the poverty level, the other was a class of my graduate students from San José State University, not impoverished but definitely not privileged.  I first asked each person to name one achievement or accomplishment of which they were proud.  Although the Latinas had the most difficult time recognizing any sense of accomplishment in themselves (some even became belligerent with the exercise), the graduate students were not really much better. In fact, some of the individuals needed to recruit a friend in order to provide a response for them.  I then asked each individual to name one strength or talent of the person sitting next to them.  Not only was everyone able to make a positive affirmation about someone else, but they could go on listing multiple areas of strength. 

It would be a mistake to say that the individuals I queried suffered from low self-esteem or had been berated by their parents while growing up.  It would also be a mistake to generalize the Latina response solely from the standpoint of a cultural emphasis on collectivism versus individualism.  Most cultures identify their children by desired characteristics or abilities, not negative ones.  Even birth names convey talents or future success.  What we understand about our brains is that they are wired to attend more to discrepancies, errors, and differences than to what comes automatic or has become habit.  In other words, we naturally react more to what we cannot do than to what we have already mastered.  This is part of survival as humans, moving our development forward through continuous trial and error learning.  This also forms the basis of natural discrimination evident in young children that can quickly get out of control if we don't take time to learn about and encounter others who are different than ourselves.

In helping children develop positive self-identities, parents and other adults need to provide an accurate mirror from which one's image is formed.  Positive "mirroring" does not mean hiding blemishes, but rather putting the entire person (their strengths, talents, development, and needs) into perspective.  Our children already know that we are "supposed to love them" unconditionally, so they expect us to go easy on them.  Oftentimes they don't believe us just because of that fact.  Some children are naturally more self-critical; that is, their brains sniff out flaws at a higher rate.  Parents can help by listing the child's strengths, talents, emerging abilities, and needs.  This creates a visual of one's abilities and can open up a supportive discussion on how others may perceive them.  The same can be done for a child who over-estimates their abilities.

In either case, creating a safe, nurturing environment for your child helps them embrace a healthy mirror to support their self-image, while teaching them to fairly appraise themselves without negative self-affirmations.