Forming Connections: Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot?

All humans rely on the ability to form and maintain natural connections with others as part of healthy development.  Positive human contact in the form of expressed emotions, closeness, and shared culture actually releases Oxytocin, a protein within mammals that assists the bonding process.  Without the release of this important chemical, humans would experience higher levels of stress and be less inclined to maintain their social groups or the survival of their community.

What we now know is that the developing child's early experience of receiving nurturance from their parent or primary caregiver establishes the foundation for the continued creation of nurturing relationships through that child's life and onto becoming a parent.  In their book, Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered, Maia Szalavitz and Dr. Bruce Perry (2010) write:

. . . it seems that at least part of the way we "remember" how we were parented early in life is expressed in our genes . . . When we become parents, then we will "instinctively" tend to do it the way our own mom and dad did.  Of course, for humans, it's much more complicated than for rats -- and we can consciously choose to do things very differently.  Nonetheless, this research suggests one reason why it may take more effort to change your parenting behavior ("I'm turning into my mother!") than it is to alter other habits.  New styles of parenting behavior may not feel "natural." (pg. 132)

For these reasons, parents and other caring adults must continue to provide youth real opportunities whereby they can form healthy bonds and identify destructive or damaging ones.  Any social situation can become a lesson in prosocial behavior and empathy. Instead of immediately criticizing the child for having made a nasty comment or not sharing their toys with another child, parents can act as role models or mentors in the moment by "replaying" the situation using healthier alternative endings.  One useful technique is to ask the "offending" child to verbalize how the "victim" child might have experienced the behavior and how that feels for them.  This taps into the child's own problem-solving and cognitive abilities rather than their defenses, so that empathy can grow. Szalavitz and Perry go on to write:

Empathy requires experience.  Although we are genetically predisposed to care for others, the development of empathy requires a lifelong process of relational interaction.  In our loving contacts, powerful genetic influences affect all of our biological systems -- even permeating the most complex of human capabilities -- language.  And so, the root for kind is kin and the word kind itself has the double meaning of being similar and acting in a caring and loving way. (pg. 14)

So, in reality, when we teach our youth how to care for others, we actually show them that old acquaintances are never really forgotten, because they have passed on the ability to experience nurturance and bonding throughout the life cycle.

Happy New Year!